On breastpumping

This pumping stuff is really hard.  As much as I desire to provide breastmilk for my nursling until she is ready to self wean, these days I am having trouble producing or, to be more specific, pumping anything close to what my daughter needs every day.  

Before I went back to work I could pump two 5 oz bottles or more in a short 10 minute session! As I sat and started writing this I tried so hard not to look down at the lines of the bottles I was attempting to fill -- lines that are in contact with more air than breastmilk.  Lines that are waiting to be filled but, instead are far too full of empty space for my liking.

The emotions I attach to my pump, milk output, breasts, diet, and all of the other whole body health factors than can and do affect my nursling, are strong and raw and so self judgmental.  For example, small amounts of caffeine have not affected my supply in any way to date (and I know this because I have done little self tests -- removing and adding back caffeine over and over to see if anything changes and it never does) and even though I know all of this I am still judging myself for the split shot Americano I drank this morning to combat some serious fatigue and actually manage to focus at work.  But what if just this time the small amount of of caffeine made a difference?   

I am beginning to realize that the heaviest emotion I attach to pumping and nursing recently is fear.  Fear that I might not produce enough to keep my little one nursing.   Fear that low supply will cause my 10 month old nursling to wean sooner than she would have otherwise wanted.  Fear that I will run out of milk in the freezer to hold us over on days like this when I cannot produce even an ounce at the pump.  Fear that I will have to give my daughter, heaven forbid, formula. 

Don't get me wrong... formula is a wonderful life saving invention for those babies who really need it but, I so don't want my baby to really need it.  It makes me feel like a failure to provide for my precious growing girl to need formula.  It makes think if I had just I found a way to stay home with her longer instead of going back to work that I still might be producing so much that I might could be donating hundreds of ounces of breastmilk instead of being in need of a donor.

I know that the biggest reason for my supply drop has been the return of Aunt Flo.  She came back just before 5 months postpartum and after that my bountiful oversupply days were over.  About a week beforehand I go from great output to half output to about 1/4 normal output until she is good and gone.  For a co-sleeping, on demand nursing, avoid the bottles unless away from work mama this is such a tough break.  The relationship with my pump rather than my nursling to extract milk is the next biggest problem and gosh I wish there were a better way to be a working, nursing mother.

Life has so many lessons for us and I know that there are important lessons for me in all of this.  I felt so much pride to be able to share my surplus breastmilk with babies in need when I was on the other side.  I thought that the days of the stomach flu I had about 3 months postpartum would be the closest thing I would ever know to not producing enough milk for my daughter and I was so relived when I was able to nourish myself again and my milk flowed once more like Niagara Falls.  I am often so eager to help others but something I know I am not at all good at is asking for help.

I am pleased to report that I finally did ask for help.  My dear neighbor has a new baby and has a wondrous over supply.  She is healthy, has a healthy baby, and she now donates breastmilk just like I did!  I asked if she had any extra freezer stock to spare when I got down to my last 20 oz in my deep freeze and she gave me over 80 oz just like that!  I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I am to have a great backup source of breastmilk to provide to my daughter if needed.  I do not know what it is about recognizing the need to ask help and making the leap to actually doing so that is so difficult, but I am so glad that I did.  My daughter will get to have the breastmilk she needs while I have a backup plan that does not involve formula. Now as we near her first birthday and she wants more and more solid food I start feeling the pressure recede little by little and just know that our nursing relationship will be okay.